Full disclaimer: My dad tells great jokes, however, I’ve played tennis & softball with a lot of dads over the last decade which has resulted in experience that is deep and rich with cringeworthy moments and material. While the dad joke is a love/hate relationship, I feel that I will inevitably become one, if not many, of these categories…so here we go.
Sometimes dads are so conversationally witty that they will hit you with a sarcastic response the split second you stop speaking to them. It’s a type of joke that they’ve been saying in their head for years as a response to coworkers and their significant other but didn’t to avoid being rude. Lucky for you, you’re their kid and you get all of them.
Bonus: You may have a professor who is prolific in sarcastic dad jokes.
You: Dad, I’m hungry, let’s get some food.
Dad: Hey hungry! I’m dad!
The ones that take too long to tell/don’t have a punch-line…
Not every dad is built for the almighty throne that dads sit on while they tell their jokes. Sometimes the opportunity alone can be too overwhelming or sometimes too exhilarating for them to get the joke out. Whether it’s an awkward dad or one who is milking the moment, we all know a dad who can’t quite get to the end. And even worse, sometimes there is no end...
One morning, the wide mouthed frog decided to take a walk to see the world and enhance his education. As he hopped through the meadow by the pond he came upon a cow.
He hopped over to the cow and said: "Hello Mrs. Cow, I’m the wide mouthed Frog, Tell me what do you feed your babies?
The cow replied: "I feed my babies milk."
The frog hopped further into the meadow and came upon a bird pecking in the grass. He hopped over to the bird and said: "Hello, Mrs. Bird, I’m the wide mouthed Frog, Tell me what do you feed your babies?
The bird replied: "I feed my babies worms."
The frog hopped further into the meadow and came upon a horse eating grass. He hopped over to the horse and said: "Hello, Mrs. Horse, I’m the wide mouthed Frog, Tell me what do you feed your babies?
The horse replied: "I feed my babies wide mouthed frogs."
You can add as many animals as there are people, but have the animal that eats large mouthed frogs last.
This works best when the person doing the frog part has a large mouth and really hams up the questions and the OOOHHH responses, opening the mouth widely while speaking. The final "oh" is done with the mouth barely open and the voice barely loud enough to be heard by the audience.
Now the problem here is that it’s not only a long joke, but the punchline is very underwhelming. On top of that there are even directions on how to tell this joke. Having heard this in person, the cringe starts when the dad starts speaking in a tone with a ‘wide mouth’ for the frog’s responses and completely sinks the punchline with the puckered lipped “oh.” You know what they say, when the going get dad, the dad get going…
The Dad Pun
This kind of a dad is an absolute veteran in joke telling. There is no larger filing cabinet in his mind than the amount of pun jokes he has stocked up over time. While anyone can tell a punny joke (see what I did there), this dad means it. He writes them, studies them, he travels to far away lands to perfect his craft….
- Want to hear a joke about pizza? Nevermind it's too cheesy...
- Hey, I got a new job crushing cans. It's soda pressing...
- I used to be addicted to soap. I'm clean now... Gif source
There’s nothing more unpredictable and uncomfortable than the dad who tells the inappropriate joke. It doesn’t matter the setting because it’s never the right one. To you inappropriate dad: go home, you’re drunk…
For the sake of professional integrity, I’ll let your minds run wild with this one. The GIF says it all anyway...
The One That Never Fails
Saving the best for last. You know that feeling when you’re the last one standing in Fortnite? That’s the same feeling this dad gets when he has a chance to tell that one joke that never fails. The office, family gatherings, on the golf course, at a bar...this is where this dad levitates above all to shine down his best and only joke.
Mr Smith found one of his students making faces at others on the playground so he stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Jane, when I was a little boy, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Little Jane looked up and replied, “Well, Mr. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned!”
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