How to introduce toys into the bedroom

Sex is great. Sex toys are great. So why wouldn’t you want to combine the two?

Sex toys were something that I enjoyed alone for many years. Despite the fact, that like many women, I sometimes find it pretty difficult to reach orgasm with a partner, it didn’t cross my mind that I could close that pleasure gap by introducing my partners to my vibrating friends.

Now many years later, as the owner of an online sex toy boutique I’ve had plenty of opportunity to do the first-hand research for you and have figured out the do’s and don’ts of introducing your partners to sex toys (you’re very welcome).

As well as being an incredibly valuable tool for experiencing pleasure, sex toys are also hella fun - for both partners. It can feel like a big deal to suggest sex toys to a partner but the thing is, sex toys are tools to enhance pleasure - not to replace a partner. Yes, sex toys can give you pleasure, but they can’t give you intimacy.

So, how can you introduce sex toys into your partnered sex?

1. Approach the subject with a positive attitude

Sex toys are fun, treat them as such. Don’t go into this discussion with a serious tone - that serious attitude could rub off on to your partner.

2. Make it about both of you

Your partner is more likely to be on board with some sex toy experimentation if they can see the benefit to them.

Hopefully, your partner is so enthusiastic about your pleasure that they see your enjoyment as benefit enough. But to sweeten the deal make sure they understand that you want to use toys to add more pleasure and fun for both of you. Can you relate toys to a fantasy that they have told you about? Can you choose a toy that is it going to feel good for them too?

3. Choosing a toy

A vibrating penis ring feels just as good for the wearer as it does for the partner being penetrated and wand-style vibrators are so powerful that if they’re being used externally on someone’s clitoris, the penetrating partner can often feel the vibrations while inside them.

If you’re unsure where to start then ask them if they’d like to go shopping for a toy together! Sending each other links to pleasure products you’d like to try is especially fun if you’re in a long distance relationship. If in doubt, start with something simple and non-representational (meaning it doesn’t look like a body part).

4. Communicate!

Tell them about what you want to do with the toy. Bring up toys outside of a sexual setting or discuss it over message. Some people may be intimidated if you bring out a toy for the first time during sex so it’s always best to speak about it first. Here are some actual phrases that you can use to bring up the topic of sex toys:

  • I have a vibrator that I use alone, I’d love to show you how I use it some time
  • I’d love to buy you a sex toy - have you seen any you’re interested in?
  • I’ve heard about this new vibrator, I think it would be fun to try it together
  • The idea of using a vibrator while we have sex really turns me on. What do you think?
  • I’ve been looking at restraints/ harnesses/ butt plugs online and I think I’d be into it. What do you think?
  • Have you ever used a dildo before? I’d love to try that with you

Poppy Lepora is the owner of feminist sex toy shop, Self & More.

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